The Very Bloody Battle
by Wasabikitty10
Summary: I came up with this idea with help from my brother at about two o' clock in the morning. I am not responsible for any pain or death that you may experience after reading. Story opens with a death battle over Mint Milanos. :P VERY GORY. Mega Randomness. :
1. Nami's Cookies

The Very Bloody Battle.

By Wasabikitty10.

"Luffy, are you sure this is a good idea?!" Zolo whisper-shouted at the captain.

"Of course! We get back at Nami by stealing her cookies! It's a great idea!"

"Shh! You need to be quiet, Luffy, if you want it to work." They quietly crept into the kitchen, and noticed the cupboard was shining.

"The cookies..." The two friends murmured as they searched.

"I have them! Mint Milano!" Luffy crowed.

"Shut up!" Zolo dumped several cookies into his mouth, and handed the bag to Luffy.

(Yucky chewing spitting and slimy scenes go here)

Finally the cookies were gone. Zolo, feeling bored, asked, "Do you think I have more fangirls than you?"

"No way! I pwn!"

"Hmmm." Zolo picked up a letter. "Dear Zolo," He read. "I love you so much! I seriously kiss your picture every night. You are so beautiful! Love, --WK."

Luffy growled. "Dear... Lu-luffy," He read. "I would like you if you were smart." He stomped on the letter hard. "I'm cool too, right?"

"Sure, Luff. Sure."

Luffy grabbed a sword Zolo had put down and jumped around, saying, "Cool! Look! I'm cool like Zolo!"

"Put that down! You'll kill yourself!"

"No I won't!" Luffy's hands slipped, however. The tip cut a gash in Zolo's face, and scratched the kitchen floor.

"Ow!" Zolo yelled. He threw a banana at Luffy, who inflated himself into Gum-Gum balloon. Unfortunately, Zolo stabbed him with a sword, making a huge river of blood come out.

"Zolo! That hurts! Awww!" Luffy yelled.

"Good! It's supposed to!"

They would have gone on forever if Nami and Sanji hadn't burst in.

"Luffy! Zolo! Are you ok?!"

"Who did this to my kitchen?!"

"I'm fine, I'm fine." Said Luffy, as he bled all over the place.

"You are not fine, and it's going to get worse!" Yelled Zolo.

"Who did this to my kitchen!" Sanji yelled.

"Luffy."

"But I did it with Zolo's sword, so it's his fault!"

"You little rat!"

The two began to fight. Nami watched in disbelief, and turned away, disgusted. She caught sight of an empty bag- labelled: "Nami's Cookies."

"You creeps!" She jumped at them and sliced at random until Luffy punched her back. Nami hit into Sanji, who was suffering from mental breakdown-itis. How dare they ruin his kitchen and ciggie stash and food stash all at the same time?! He stomped on Nami and yelled at her to quit eating all the food. She yelled back that Luffy ate all the food. Luffy bawled and blamed it on Zolo.

Soon everyone was bleeding. Nami tried to kill Luffy several times, but he always punched her away. Then, she was attacking from behind, when...

"GUM GUM HOSE!!" A steady stream of blood soaked her, completely ruining her outfit. "Ahh! Ahh! My clothes!" She tried to stab him but missed and hit Usopp.

"Ow!"

"When the heck did you get here?!"

Usopp crawled under the table and cowered.

Nami kicked him, and decided that since she couldn't safely attack Luffy or Zolo, why not beat up Sanji, who was already badly hurt? She ran over and began stabbing Sanji with her small dagger in random places. "Take that, Luffy!" She yelled.

Luffy found a new attack he could use. "Gum gum... Rainfall!" He squirted blood at the ceiling which spread and rained down steadily. Nami shrieked when a drop landed on her treasure map. She folded it into a paper airplane and threw it out of the kitchen, then screamed, "You asked for it, Rubber-boy!"

Then she shredded the skin on Sanji's legs. Poor Sanji was lying on the kitchen floor, repeating over and over, "My kitchen. My ciggies. My legs. My kitchen..."

Zolo tried to get into a cupboard to hide from the crazies. Soon he was curled up, and hidden- untill Luffy sprayed a Gum Gum hose at him. "Ahh! Luffy you freak!" Zolo shouted as he fell to the ground and was repeatedly punched. The kitchen was bright red, which clashed with Sanji's new blue plates. By the way, Sanji had just gotten Nami's signature carved into his back. He was still chanting about his poor kitchen. "Red, no... nooooo..." And generally losing it.

Nami was clawing Sanji's legs. Zolo was slashing at things, but missing because of the slash on his face bleeding in his eyes. Luffy was Gum Gum Hosing random stuff because he could see nothing but blackish-purple and red. Also he was dizzy. Ussop was hurt the least, but continued to scream, "I'm dying!"

Finally, at five in the morning, the warriors fell to the ground unconcious. Thank God. Any longer and they'd be dead.

((AN- I am in no way responsible for any sudden extinction this may have caused!))


	2. Short boring Chapter

CHAPTER TWO.

Zolo opened his eyes, and realized he was bleeding. He sat up and glanced around, and noticed Luffy, who was asleep on Zolo's feet. "Captain! Wake up!" Luffy opened his eyes blearily, and moaned from dizziness about having no steak. Luffy had about a million cuts and bruises. "Luffy! You're gonna die!" Zolo noticed some pain. He looked down and saw his own wounds. "Aw, CRAP! We're all gonna die!" Zolo stood up and staggered around checking for pulses. "Usopp, check, Luffy, check, me, check, Nami, check, Sanji- OMFG!!"

Sanji lay on the floor looking like he has been run over by a tank. With spiky wheels. And eaten by a lion and spat back up and scratched. Nami lay next to him, holding a dagger in his leg. Zolo kicked her.

"Whadda frickin' Zo?" She said.

"Did you do this to Sanji?!" Zolo asked.

"Shanji yeah he pished me off now leaf me alone." Nami fell back to sleep.

"..."

Zolo banged his head on the wall. "This is terrible!"

"Wait."

He wrote out a sign that said, "Every manga character out there, if you have medicine, please come hither! Signed Roronoa Zolo." Then he pasted it every single place he could find. Even on a toilet.

Usopp looked fine aside from a few big cuts and bruises, but he continued to moan he was dying. Nami did lots of nothing. Zolo put up more ads every day. Luffy woke up every two hours, moaned, and did a Gum Gum rainfall.

The end of this painful to read chapter.


	3. WTF?

Getting pissed at me for saying Zolo 'stead of Zoro? Too bad. Read my profile for my rant. -insert rant about here- It's one different letter, just pretend it says Zoro, kay?

CHAPPIE THREE

A knock on the door woke Zolo up. "Who is it?"

"It's Beet, I have a cure!" Zolo tore open the door and watched a small boy of about 16 walk into the room. He said to Sanji: "Listen carefully. I'm going to take my five saiga and insert them into your body."

Sanji sat up, coughed blood, and yelled, "Not- koff koff- in my kitchen you don't!" And punched Beet in the face.

Beet dizzily asked random objects if they wanted his saiga. Untill Zolo got pissed and sliced him into pieces, throwing him back into his own manga.

Because Beet is a freaky manga, Poala took his soul and put it into the nearest new body- which happened to be a red turnip known as a Beet.

Lovely.

The next person to knock on the door was Dakota Fanning, who immediately began professing her love for them all. Zolo said angrily, "My heart belongs to another!" And waved WK's fan letter in her face. Then he killed her without mercy.

Dakota's body was found with Zolo's flag carved into it.

In order to bring everyone's spirits up, Luffy turned on the TV. Veggie Tales was playing, like a normal episode, until Beet the Vandel Buster showed up. He got eaten by the human who wrote the show. Everyone clapped and felt good. The end.

"Sunday morning values, Saturday morning fun!" Luffy said reverently.

"But-koff hack hack- it's Tuesday afternoon." Sanji protested.

"No way, dammit. It's Friday!"

"Shut up Nami! It's Monday." Zolo said back.

"No! It's Wednesday!" Usopp screamed in frustration.

"What freaking day is it anyway?"

"How'm we suppose t' know?!"

"Luffy, your grammar stinks!"

"Pirates don't need no grammars!"

Somebody knocked on the door. They fell silent and opened it slowly.

"Hi! I'm the host of America's Funniest Home Videos!" An ugly middle aged man walked in laughing hysterically. "Can I have the tape of you guys fighting?"

"Do you have meds for Sanji?" Zolo demanded.

"Maybe."

"Then get out of here, creep!"

"B-but I need the tape! It must be so funny!"

-violent disposal of AFV guy goes here-

"Sanji, are you ok?" Asked Nami in mild concern.

"What d' ya think?"

"..."

Somebody else knocked on the door. An ugly man with yellow hair and blue-ish green eyes walked in and said, "Kame hame ha!"

"OmG! Freaky yellow dude just killed Sanji!"

"I... ish... -kofff- -hack- noth deadsh!"

"Kakkarot! They wanted medicine, not a vermin control! Idiot!"

"Oopsie!"

The crew watched in stunned silence as Sanji twitched and tried to kick -what's his name? wasn't it carrot?- in the face. Zolo, feeling bored, asked, "May I cut him into pieces now?"

"Not yet, I think they have medicine!" Nami yelled.

"I know they have medicine. I meant, can I cut Sanji into pieces?"

"No!"

"Poo."

TO BE CONTINUED.


	4. In which Sanji is stubborn

CHAPTER FOUR

"Zolo, why are you suddenly being in character? This is supposed to be a random fanfic." Nami said sowly.

"Because OOC for me means nice to Sanji. Nice to Sanji means evil yaoi fangirls attack."

"...Oh."

"But. I'm still OOC enough to think romance novels are cool!"

"WTF, Zolo!"

"Blame the author."

Randomly enugh, Vegeta randomly pulled a random senzu bean out of his random bag of randomness. "Eat it, chef."

"Noooooooooo-koff hack- ooooooooooooooooooo- ack!" Vegeta fed him the senzu while he was screaming denial.

"That thing tastes terrible-koff." Because it was from another manga, it didn't have full stregnth. But Sanji was much better, his wounds were mostly gone.

"I can cook again!" He cried tears of joy in pure OOCness.

"No! Don't stand up!"

Too late.

Sanji stood up, and most of his leg wounds reopened and soon he was standing, very dizzy and ill, in the center of a star shaped blood patch. Sanji fell to his knees and hacked.

"Look what you've done now, idiot!" Zolo yelled. He slapped Sanji and watched with satisfaction as the stupid chef spat out blood.

"Koff- hack- BLEEP- kofffff!"

"Eat another!"

"Koff- neevereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer! Ack!"

Again Sanji ate the senzu, and healed.

"I can cook again!"

"...Oh crap."

TWO HOURS LATER:

"Well, um... the floor certanitly looks... unique... in red!" Nami forced a smile, looking fakey.

"Yeah right."

"I think is pretty, Zolo! Nami right and you got no wrong answer!" Luffy screamed.

Zolo and Nami exchanged a glance.

"Not me!" They yelled at once.

"Usopp." Nami said softly.

"Yes." Said Zolo.

Poor Usopp walked along cheerfully, not knowing that he had been chosen to teach Luffy grammar.

Poooooooor Usopp.


	5. Grammar

Chapter five

"Usopp! Did you know, you owe me a favor?" Nami said, cheerily.

"I only have five zeni."

"Not. That. Type!"

"Eww! Nami, the UsoppXNami freaks are getting to you!" Yelled Zolo in pure terror.

"I like UsoppXNami!" Luffy remarked.

Nami turned red and yelled, "NO! Not that type either!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"-koff--hack-..."

She growled and said quietly, "You have to teach Luffy grammar."

"!!"

"!!"

"!!"

"!!-koff!-"

"Well, Zolo's too... cool to teach grammar. Sanji will teach him every impolite term he knows. I'm much too... busy."

"!!You think I'm cool?!"

"No. I was being polite. Really, just look at your abuse of punctuation! You are unfit to teach!"

"-koff- Na-ami! I would... Wheeze Not!!" stares at random dirty magazine

"Yeah, Sanji. Yeah."

"Busy?" Usopp asked in fear.

"Yes."

"Doing what?"

"Escaping the fanfictions where I get paired up with you, Usopp. I'm giving them all writer's block."

"How evil!" Luffy yelled.

"How is it evil?!"

"Now I won't have any fanfics with you and Usopp to teach me new words, like -bleepity- -bleepity- -bleepers!-"

"...??" Thought everyone.

"Luffy? Don't click on the ones with M anymore."

"Ok!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"-hack-..."

"Ha! Nami, look how many dot-things your's has! And you think I abuse... whatsit? Puncturating!"

"..."

"Nami? Can you talk?"

"...! ...? ...?! ...!!"

Everyone stared.

"Nami has caught communicating in punctuation disease," Said Luffy wisely.

"...! !!"

Zolo whistled. "That's a bad one. Luffy, forget you heard that!"

"..."

"-koff- Ow!"

"Sanji! You can't cook yet! Deal!"

Sanji knelt in a starburst of blood yet again. "Must... cook!"

"Shut up and eat your meds, stupid!!"

"!! ...,!"

"Now, Nami, that wasn't nice!"

As they debated, they didn't know about the evil one in their midst, who hid herself. It was the evil one! Twin of the Un-Evil one! Enemy of punctuation! Friend to yaoi and stupid fanfics! Nooooooo!


	6. Fanfiction Part One

BLOODY BATTLE!!

The evil one approached, laughing manically, until a block of cement fell on her and squashed her dead.

"Why do I feel as though some horrible disaster has been avoided?" Zoro asked, blankly staring ahead at the wall. Nami shrugged. Every man in the room looked deeply relieved, though no one was sure why.

They all sat around doing nothing but bleeding and force-feeding Sanji a senzu every few minutes. All of a sudden, a crowd of reporters ran in, yelling at the Straw Hats. "TELL US ALL YOUR SECRETS!!"

For some reason, the pirates agreed.

"I'm allergic to green apples." Zolo said.

"I'm lactose intolerant." Sanji told them.

"!! ...,!.??" Nami yelled.

"She means she's anorexic. And afraid of the dark." Luffy translated. "And I myself have a deep love for teddy bears."

"I love Kaya." Usopp blushed.

"DUH. We frickin' new that!" The reporters all shouted.

"...Ok. I have an unhealthy obsession with... ahm... storytelling."

"Ok. You can all go now. Except... SANJI! WHY DO YA HAVE CURLY EYEBROWS?!"

"...Go read WK's fanfic about it."

"Ok. Why do you wear your hair like that? Over one eye, I mean."

"NOOOOO! I CANNOT TELL YOU!" (mumbling) "Besides, WK wants to tell you somehow in Sanji's Troubles, if she can stick it in the plot."

"TELL! TELL! TELLTELLTELL!!"

"Dammit!"

"TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL!!"

"Ok. Ok. Ok. Just stop the freaky TELL thing! When I was young, my town was attacked by a rampaging tribe of banana worshippers. One of them caught me and started to eat me, before the Navy killed it. Now I... WAAAHHHH... have a scar there. And because I still want to be pretty, to attract the attention of the beautiful lovely sparkly glowing ohhhhhhh..."

"CONTINUE YOUR STORY!!"

"FINE. I wear my hair like that because I'm insecure. There. Can you let us go now?"

"NO. Why do you flirt with girls?!"

"..."

"TELLL! TEEEEEELLL!"

"AAAHHH! Ok. Well, when I was young..." (BRACE YOURSELF FOR A DEPRESSING MOMENT!! IF YOU DON'T WANNA READ IT, SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU SEE A NOTICE SAYING YOU CAN READ AGAIN.)

"This dumb kid said my eyebrows looked gay, so I punched him, and kicked him, and threw him in the water."

"...What the hell does that have to do with anything?!"

"Now, to prove him wrong and bolster my self esteem, I shalt flirt with all females!"

"Ahhh. Ohhh. How sad. Sanji is a victim of peer pressure..." A tear ran down the reporters' cheeks, and they began to bawl. After a while they started crying on their face as well.

"...Ew."

(OK, SQUEAMISH ONES. YOU MAY CONTINUE READING.)

The butt-weeping reporters were so sad, that they were easy to dispose of. After a little while, Luffy asked, "Where did all our injuries go?"

"Down that plot hole over there." Zoro said matter-of-factly.

Randomly, a red vegetable named Beet showed up at that point, and said to Usopp, "Listen carefully. I'm going to insert my five saiga into your body."

"Wow! You have five? Most of us only have one..."

"..." Everyone was speechless. To solve the problem, Zoro decided to eat Beet. "YEAH! HE'S YUMMY!"

"..."

"Anyway, I'm sure glad our injuries are gone, right captain?"

No reply.

"Captain?"

"ACK! Luffy jumped into the plot hole to find our injuries!"

"OH NOESSSSSS!"

--Meanwhile--

Luffy crashed into the ground, a few feet away from a bed where a prettyish girl with insanely curly hair sat busily typing at her laptop. She looked up, showing no suprise, and said, "Hi Luffy!"

"Watcha doing? And oh yeah. Hi." Luffy found the injuries and threw them back through the plot hole. He giggled upon hearing everyone moan in agony.

"Writing fanfiction! You try! Just write something about your crew."

"Ok..." Luffy had no lurid prose, no grammar, no spelling ability. He had no real plot idea. But he typed anyway, two short, simple words.

sanji fatred

"You spelled 'farted' wrong! Baka!"

"Oops."

"Add some detail!"

"Ok. Fine."

sanji fartrerd loud

"..."

"What? I wrote fanfiction!"

"...Luffy, you have a disturbed mind."

--BACK ON THE SHIP--

Everyone lay on the deck, writhing in agony. "Owwww, owwww..." Sanji was currently comatose, when...

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHSSFFFFFFFFGHGJKJSBFJLJanDSBFCLEWFURBHFJKLbjlEVJKWJQ!!

The chef, still unconcious, was propelled into the air and hit the water. The Strawhats glanced at one another ominously. Nami broke the silence. "Can normal people fart loudly enough to go flying up about twenty feet in the air?" Everyone was too busy writhing in agony to answer.

--BACK IN WK's ROOM--

Luffy giggled manically. "Can I read fanfiction?!"

"NO. Give me ideas for my Sanji's Troubles Fanfic."

"Ok. Well, a monster should come, and I should kill him, and I should find the One Piece..."

"..."

"What?"

"It's a story about SANJI."

"Oh. I knew that."

"...Suuuuure."

"..."

"..."

"I wanna write more!"

"...Fine. But I'm going to sleep." The girl, though she was extremely skinny, snored louder than Zoro. Which was hard to do. Luffy was impressed before he turned towards the computer greedily.

TO BE CONTINUED!!

Luffy's "writing" "fanfiction"!! OH NO WE'RE DOOMED. Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
